Hi folks sorry for the delay with this post, special thanks to all my well wishers!

Aged 40, in a good job, that's what everyone thinks. 'So proud of you,' my mum would always say. £30k a year, nice car and a nice flat. From the outside looking in it looks perfect but if only they knew. I go to work most days and that is where I can forget about my troubles for a while anyway.

I've stopped opening my letters now, it's always bills now, this feeling of being chased I hate. I can't even remember how it started, maybe it's from never having to be responsible, when I lived at home I never struggled. I gave my child the things my parents could not afford to give me at times even though I struggle she works part-time so I still need to support her.

Firstly there was the credit card, within no time it became the back up when my salary could not last for the month. The ironic thing is that even when I didn't have it to spare, I would still go out on a spending spree it was my guilty secret.  No one knew not even my closest friends or family. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to admit I can't manage my money. Or being seen as a fool someone who should know better or people asking how did you get yourself into this mess. So, I tell no one.......

Imagine, I have a child and I can see the traits in her, she doesn't have an idea of the value of money. ASOS parcels arriving at home, she's forever saying 'it was in the sale’ I remember those words. It is as if it is an addiction and it is spiralling out of control. The first credit card helped my credit rating in fact because of that I was able to access more money and find my credit limit being increased without me even asking.   How ironic the more you owe the more money is made available until you start making late payments or missing payments .

In no time at all I now owe £15k across 3 credit cards  that was the amount when I last checked I know that it will be more than this now but I am too scared to look. I make minimum payments and have been late with some payments I am living in my overdraft forever in the red! How do I get myself out of this mess I am drowning and no one knows. I laugh and smile with everyone but inside I am crying.

What am I going to do, this is a vicious cycle but tomorrow I will go out and buy a treat for myself maybe some new shoes? Denial about this habit is my main defence and I spend more so I can feel better but it only lasts for an instant. I want to take control but I don't know what to do part of it is fear of confronting it saying out loud I am in debt and it is out of control.  I don’t sleep well now I am in constant fear forever worrying. I snap at my child because of the stress if only he knew.

I screen my phone calls just in case it is a creditor chasing for that late or missing payment. I am too scared to even have a conversation with them.

I literally can't remember there being a time when I wasn't in debt, nor what life is like without all of this debt to have to worry about. I do wonder what life would be if I was not in debt but this is normally a fleeting thought I can't see a way out of this situation.

If you can relate to this you are not alone many people are living this experience day to day, there is so much help and free support out there for anyone who is struggling with their finances. 

Organisations that can assist include:

Stepchange: https://www.stepchange.org/

 Christians against poverty: https://capuk.org

Debt advice foundation: http://www.debtadvicefoundation.org

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